by Wylie, 17
It was seventh grade. I was a strange kid. I had a best friend named **** and we did everything together. Everyday we wore different colour fishnets to school, black eye make-up running down our face, stuff like that…
First time
Then one day I caught sight of her left arm. There were scratches all down it. She said it relieves pain. I was sitting in class and did it for the first time. I loved it.
I showed her and I could tell she was worried, but she did it so she couldn’t say anything. Every night I would do it, just little ones. It turned into habit; I would do it at school, before I went to bed. I loved it.
Escaping
I started writing poetry and that was my inspiration. I drew amazing pictures. I saw nothing wrong with it. My dad was a really bad alcoholic, and my brother was heavily into drugs. So they would start fighting and I would go to my room and cut, it made me happy.
My friend **** started getting into bad drugs. She always wanted me to join but I didn’t – cutting was my anti-drug.
In too deep
I was in 8th grade and I got home from school and no one was home. I got a new razor from my dad’s tool box. I cut the deepest I ever had before. I was bleeding so much that I got scared. I called one of my friends who came over and helped me.
She asked me to stop. I stopped for a little while but it was only for months at a time. I’ve lost countless boyfriends over it and a lot of my friends know now.
I never realised how bad I was into it. In 12th grade was my worst time. I lost another boyfriend, but I lost this one to who I thought was my best friend. I couldn’t take it. I cut my stomach, my wrists, my ankles, random spots around my body and where I could hide them. They were bad. I would get light headed and have to lie down.
Getting better
I’m 17 now – a senior about to graduate – and I haven't stopped. But I’m a lot better. I only do it when I feel alone or when I’m at the point of tears. It’s an unhealthy habit; it’s you depending on a razor to ease pain.
There’s other alternatives out there for a thrill or happiness, like holding a baby – no I’m kidding! :) Like talking to people. Your friends care and listen a lot more than you think.
If you talk, someone will listen, even if they tell you what you don’t wanna hear or already know. Just think, that person is taking time to try and make you feel better. They love you.
Be stronger than the blade, man. It takes a lot of self control. But think; what do you have to loose by trying?
This story may have been edited by Children First for Health for editorial and confidentiality reasons only.
For more help and information:
- The National Self-Harm Network has lots of very useful information on their website.
- ChildLine are there to listen to any problems you have and will try to help you sort them out. They run a confidential 24-hour helpline for children and young people. Call 0800 1111 or visit their website.
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